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Dear Editor, 

As you know, my first memoir was the greatest NUMBER ONE BESTSELLER EVER. People say it was the best book in the history of books, and by the way, I am told there have been a lot of really great books. As everyone knows, I love the Bible (#Biblephotoop). Great book, really great. But that story about camels, eyes of needles, and Heaven. Seriously, no one gets it.  

Now that I’ve made America great again, I’m writing my newest memoir. Book people are already saying it will be the GREATEST PRESIDENTIAL MEMOIR ever!

Outline:

Chapter 1: Inauguration crowd twice the size of Obama’s!!! 

Chapter 2: 450 miles of NEW WALL!!!! (9 of them on VIRGIN land!!!!)

Chapter 3: How I SAVED THE ENVIRONMENT by sending brooms to the Left Coast, so they could sweep the forest floor and STOP WILDFIRES!!!!

Chapter 4: How the fake media suppressed the story of my sending TRAINLOADS OF MOPS to Florida and the Gulf to fight their hurricanes WHICH ARE NOT GETTING BIGGER AND MORE!!!!!!!!

Chapter 5: I am the ONLY President who made jobs AND saved the environment. Under my leadership, America NET GAINED 200 CLEAN COAL jobs!!!! 

Chapter 6: If the Deep State hadn’t COUPED the election, coal jobs would now be more than wind and solar. A lot more. The Socialist Democratic “geniuses” Obama and Sleepy Joe can’t grasp that when there’s no wind, no energy. Or am I missing something here? NOT!

Chapter 7: How I closed the borders to Muslem, Islamofascist, and ANTIFA terrorists and KEPT AMERICA SAFE! Who was the President who went to North Korea? Did Obama shake hands with the tyrant who threatened to rain missiles down on America? No. It was me. 

Chapter 8: How I MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter 9: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter 10: Created the Greatest Economy Ever (G.E.E.)–Dow Hit 30,000!!!!!!!

Chapter 11: GRACEFULLY handed over G.E.E. to Sleepy Joe who will screw it up. Royally.

Chapter 12: Sell your stocks and move your money off-shore. 

Chapter 13: How SOCIALIST DEMOCRATS COLLUDED WITH OBAMA JUDGES TO STEAL MY ELECTION!!!!!!

Chapter 14: How millions of DEAD ILLEGALS VOTED FOR SLEEPY!!!!!!!

Chapter 15: How the DEEP STATE paid off CORRUPT ELECTION OFFICIALS in Michigan, Georgia, Pennsylvania and all my battleground states!!!!!!!

Chapter 16: How election machines were RIGGED TO SWITCH VOTES in my battleground states from me to Sleepy!!!!

Chapter 17: I WON THE ELECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter 18: How I will run again and WIN even more BIGLY and finish building THE WALL (#January20,2025). The last 1800 miles will be paid for by Mexican rapists, drug smugglers, and other Democrats. LAW AND ORDER!!!!!

In the last chapter of my first book (he’s writing two, I’m doing three), I’m writing what Americans most want to hear: How I became IMMUNE to the Wuhan Flu!! Then I’ll explain my PERFECT RESPONSE to that FLU BUILT IN A CHINESE LABORATORY!! Under my IMMACULATE LEADERSHIP we CONQUERED the China Flu, reopened the economy while keeping our liberty to not wear masks (they are ugly and not effective at all) and only lost 300,000 American lives–well–400,000. Of course one life lost is too many, but they were already sick and/or old or both. Bottom line: only 1 out of a 1000 Americans died. That’s 0.1%.  That’s a terrific number!!! It’s an amazing number!!!!! And what about the vaccine? Who led WARP SPEED to make vaccines? Hint: Not Sleepy Joe. 

Summation: 

My book will be a perfect roadmap on how to do the Presidency right. That’s why I’m naming it The Art of Covfefe. The perfect description for what I accomplished as the best and greatest President of the United States of America since Lincoln. (Maybe even including Lincoln because he never had to deal with insurrections the way I had to.) 

Unlike Obama’s book, which I’m told is very LONG and TEDIOUS, The Art of Covfefe will be short with the most amazing writing. And since I’m the biggest celebrity in the history of celebs, you can easily hire that popular illustrator Van Gogh to make it a graphic novel. (#picturebooksbetter) 

So let’s make a deal. The two Obamas got a $65 million advance for their very long and very boring books that did not sell as much as The Art of the Deal. A $120 million advance is the absolute minimum. Since I am contacting other publishers, you’ll have to bid higher to be the WINNER. Mucho dinero higher…What do you want, Junior? I’m busy. Get out of here! Why you sticking these numbers in my face?…Huh. Interesting.

Listen, my staff just completed a full market research that shows if only 90% of the 70 million patriots who voted for me buy my book are added to the hundreds of millions of FANSCISTS around the world, that’s bigly more than $120 million. A LOT BIGLY MORE!!!!!! What now, Jared? How much is coming due to Deutsche Bank? 

Wow. 

Forget bidding. $421 million and the book is yours. Small bills only. I’ll send RG to pick up the “laundry bags.” Looking forward to doing business with you. 

Fondly,

Donald J. Trump

Today no essay. Just a link to the political, historical, cultural mobile game app that I just published. Here’s the link: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/id1527934960

Five Reasons Why Jesus Would Never Vote for Donald Trump

Letting one’s faith dictate one’s view of the world is as American as the Trinity of Baseball, Hot Dogs, and Apple Pie. We’ve all heard some people of faith begin a discourse with, “Because I’m a Christian…” That’s why it’s surprising that 81% of white, evangelical Christians voted for Donald Trump in 2016, for this president’s life and speech are in stark contrast to the life and teachings of both Jesus and the Bible. Here are five reasons why a person of faith should not support President Trump.

1. Jesus and God Hate Liars

Proverbs 6 is clear: 

        There are six things the Lord hates,

         haughty eyes,

        a lying tongue,

        hands that shed innocent blood,

        a heart that devises wicked schemes,

        feet that are quick to rush into evil,

        a false witness who pours out lies. 

From his first day in office when he lied about the size of the inaugural crowd to last month’s lie that California Democrats intentionally implemented rolling blackouts, it’s not news that Donald Trump possesses a “lying tongue.” Of course, if we threw stones at every liar, the world would quickly run out of rocks. Everyone lies. That’s not the point. It’s the kind that counts. To save someone’s feelings, we might say that their lousy haircut is nice. This isn’t the kind of lie that I imagine Jesus and God hate. The lies they hate are those used to puff the liar up or those used to put another person down. Mr. Trump lied about the inauguration numbers in order to portray himself as more popular than President Obama. He lied about California’s blackouts because he wanted to make California Democrats look bad. President Trump is exactly the liar that Jesus and God hate.

2.  Jesus Disapproves of the Rich

It isn’t necessary to open the Bible to learn Jesus’ view on wealth. Even atheists can quote Matthew 19:24, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Matthew 6:24 says pretty much the same thing,  “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

It’s no secret that Donald Trump loves money. It was his wealth, after all, that first drew him supporters and launched his political career. Jesus never put his faith in a person whose raison d’etre was increasing the size of his wallet. Why should Christians? 

3. Jesus Values Sacrifice

Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice. For Jesus, selflessness trumped selfishness. Yet selflessness will never describe this president. When he was drafted during the Vietnam War, he claimed bone spurs. As one of the richest Americans, the main charity he’s supported has been the granting of easements surrounding his properties and handing out free golf passes at his resorts. 

Some claim Mr. Trump is sacrificing income during his presidency. Since he isn’t taking his $400,000 presidential salary, they claim it’s a sacrifice. It’s far more likely that President Trump’s income from people and nations trying to curry his favor by staying at his properties exceeds his “sacrifice” many times over. Lest anyone forget, Trump attempted to arrange the 2020 G-7 meeting at one of his golf resorts. Everything this man has ever done in his entire life has been in the service of himself. 

4. Jesus Believes in the Power of Love

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus stated, “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” Jesus’ revolutionary idea that love is the tool that changes a person’s heart influenced Martin Luther King Jr. This president is not one who turns the other cheek. This president is not one who laughs off criticism. This president is one who takes two eyes for an eye as he lashes out at every real or perceived injustice put upon him. Jesus spoke and acted through love to heal brokenness. This president speaks and acts through hate to divide us. This President stokes the flames of division by encouraging his supporters to confront peaceful protestors with paintball guns. 

5. Jesus Believes in Loving One’s Neighbor

No other moral command is repeated in the Bible as often as, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Jesus explains through the story of the Good Samaritan who a neighbor is. They are not the person who resides next door, on your block, or even in your city. A neighbor is anyone a person comes upon who is in need of help. Immigrants fleeing to our borders are “neighbors.” This is not to say that America needs to let every immigrant into the country. It is to say that anyone who shows up at our borders must be treated with respect and dignity. It shouldn’t be necessary to say that horrendously run detention centers, the separation of families, and children in cages does not qualify as “loving your neighbor,” but in these times, everything must be spelled out.

While it is abundantly clear that Donald Trump violates these five moral teachings, many people of faith choose to look away because of his appointment of conservative judges and justices in the hope they will overturn Roe v. Wade. To them, abortion is the issue that stands above the rest. That’s fine, but it is a fact that Jesus never spoke about abortion. Ditto for the Bible. Not a single word. Abortion may be an important issue to many, but according to the words of Jesus, it isn’t a Christian one.

People of faith, vote for Trump if you like his policies or his style, or you want to make abortion illegal. But if you vote for him because of your love of Jesus, don’t fool yourself. If Jesus were alive today, he’d be leading the protests against this president.

Make America Great Again

America was great when Native Americans lived in harmony with the land;

America was terrible when European Americans, wittingly and unwittingly, destroyed their cultures.

America was great when our Founders fought for justice, ushered in democracy, and penned the Constitution.

America was terrible when Black Americans were owned and counted as three-fifths of a person.

America was great when we were willing to engage in a Civil War in order to right the wrong of slavery.

America was terrible when lynchings were as common as white sheets.

America was great when Lady Liberty welcomed the tired, the poor, and huddled masses yearning to be free.

America was terrible when we turned our backs on those trying to escape oppression.

America was great when we invented the light bulb, the polio vaccine, and the Internet.

America was less great whenever we’ve been blinded by greed, materialism, and ignorance.

America was great when we saved the world from the Nazis.

America was less great when we interned Japanese-Americans.

America was great when we sent men to the moon.

America was less great when we sent men to Vietnam.

America was great bequeathing Casablanca, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and South Park to the world.

America was terrible bequeathing Sharknado, Twilight, and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo to the world.

America is great because we have over 350 Nobel Prize laureates, a third of whom are immigrants.

America is great because people travel from all over the globe to visit our national parks and vibrant culture.

America is great because we are the shining city on the hill that others try to emulate.

America is great because when the world needs us, we answer the call.

America is great because we overcame racism and elected a Black President.

America is terrible when our current President wants to build a wall and create a travel ban against Muslim majority countries.

America is terrible when our President denies climate change and pulls out of the Paris Accords.

America is terrible when our President equates violent neo-Nazis with those who demonstrate against racism.

America is terrible when lies roll easier off the tongue of our President than truths do.

America is terrible when our thin-skinned President threatens nuclear holocaust.

All Americans want to Make America Great Again.

The first step in Making America Great Again is to show the door to the worst President this country has ever had.

 

Brett’s Guide to Beer

Ego similis cervisia.

– Descartes

My philosophy of life can be boiled down to Four Core values: God, Family, Country, and Beer. Some may think this is an exaggerated claim, but do not judge without evidence. Take the fact that when this great country began, cholera infested the water, so beer was the Founding Fathers’ drink of choice. If these great patriots were alive today, they would be amazed and stoked at how our national drink has evolved. The goal of this abbreviated guide is to help Americans render the verdict: I like beer.

Lager: No malted beverage speaks to high schoolers more than our American lagers. The lager is the beer most drinkers start with. Obviously, one should be the drinking age, but even if you aren’t, the lager, with its crisp and clean taste and an alcohol content less than 5%, is harmless to the developing adolescent brain. Once you quickly develop the taste for a Bud, you’ll find that a six-pack is the way to spend hot summer afternoons prior to attending house parties. In addition, its smooth coldness massages the throat while eating chips dipped in a habanero-based salsa. And when a bro brings by a fifth of Jack Daniels, the lager sweeps away the after shot harshness.

Pilsner: Light like a lager, but slightly more bitter and a tad more alcoholic. I recommend standing by the pils keg at the start of a party because it allows introverts to be more social. I’m kind of shy and sensitive, a bookworm if you want to know the truth. But after ten plastic red cups, I’m like Don Juan or Casanova when it comes to shooting the bull with the weaker sex.

Indian Pale Ale (IPA): The American beer explosion began with this hoppy happiness. Besides its refreshing bitterness, it gets you where you want to go fast. Some of the double IPAs come in at nearly 9%! Woo-hoo! After a hard day of classes, football, studying, four pints is all you need to unwind and chill.

Pale Ale: Hoppy like an IPA but less alcohol. Some people say it’s a beer only good to get girls drunk, but that isn’t the full story. I’ve nursed many a hangover with a pale ale and raw egg before going to the gym to sweat out the party from the night before.

Stout: This is your dark beer. It originates from England and Ireland. They love this thick, sweet beer and so will you. It’s got plenty of nutrients and can be substituted for food if you are in a hurry to get to a party. I lived on stout and ramen during my freshman year at Yale when I was finding my passion for partisan politics and didn’t have time to cook.

Trappist Ale: Because they’re close to God, monks know how to make the best of all brews. To describe the taste of the Trappist is impossible, like trying to describe love; let’s just say that if a hot girl is eye-candy, Trappist ale is taste bud-candy. And regarding alcohol, those Trappists are serious. Bottom line, I love IPAs, but they need to get out of the way for their big brother Trappists. After 8 bottles of these puppies, I get KRAZY and can’t remember a damn thing! That is my kind of party!

Wheat beer: Light in taste and alcohol. Kind of fruity; seems pretty gay to me. I never touch the stuff.

Sour: Fruity, sour, tart, expensive. They are good for one thing only. If you are ever called on to testify about anything, and you want to pucker up your lips to make your face look disgusted with the whole process while adding a shot of personal animus as a closing statement, chug two sours before swearing under oath.

As you can see, beer is varied and wonderful. If you are like me and want to ascend society’s ladder, knowing your beers and your tolerance is imperative. You definitely don’t want to look like a dweeb when you’re golfing with a potential boss by ordering a stout when it’s 90-degrees on the back nine. And you definitely do not want to go to a party and get so plastered that you pass out on the toilet or wake up wearing a bra or discovering your entire face has been blackened out with a Sharpie. Obviously, none of these happened to me.

Speaking of jobs, many good paying and prestigious employment opportunities allow for a bit of drinking at lunch or when entertaining clients. But the best job of all for someone who likes beer is to be a justice of the Supreme Court. Why? Do you have any idea how many beers can fit under those robes?

So pop open a bottle and enjoy a brew…or eight!

My Fellow Americans,

I am deeply honored to stand before you. I did not plan on addressing you from the White House until January 20, 2025, but God bestowed his grace on his humble servant and extraordinary circumstances have brought me here today. I want to assure you that we will continue the sound policies set forth by the Fornicator in Chief, my esteemed predecessor in Making America Great Again. It was my fervent wish that he be here today. Unfortunately, he is locked into another engagement.

Some may say that my religious beliefs are too strong. While it is true that I am a Christian, a conservative, a Republican, and your President, in that order, I am also a modern man. Yes, the Bible guides me, but so do other books. The Handmaid’s Tale with its utopian vision is something that I will tirelessly work toward as your President. After consulting with God, I humbly offer the following Ten Commandments Commitments which will guide my presidency.

1. In foreign affairs, we will force China to play fair on trade, stop Mexico from exporting its bad people to us, and slap Russia’s interfering hands. To this end, I will convene a Blue Ribbon panel. They will begin work as soon as we convert gay Americans into good Americans. After a three-month conversion program, those who remain rebellious will not only be dishonorably discharged from the military and all governmental jobs, but we will Leviticus 20:13 them.
2. Good Americans have not been able to exercise their religious beliefs. However, in a praiseworthy decision, the Supreme Court upheld the First Amendment right of a Colorado baker to not bake a wedding cake for the LGBTQ lobby. Americans will soon be able to exercise their God-given First Amendment rights to not serve Adam and Steve couples at restaurants, to cease stocking condoms at pharmacies, and to grant car rental companies permission to offer vehicles only to men. Americans will no longer be discriminated against. I have already sent this bill to Congress along with a separate bill banning the wearing of hijabs and burqas.
3. We will rollback coal emission standards because God put coal in the ground for human use. He did not create wind turbines and solar cells. It it is time to get back to basic energy values. Related are the so-called fuel efficiency standards. Not only will we roll these back, but we will tax cars that get over 25 mpg in order to create more petroleum jobs as well. If God Almighty desires to warm the world, we must use more sunscreen.
4. To protect our students, all teachers will carry guns. This summer, teachers must attend basic training where they will learn firearms expertise, hand-to-hand combat, and enhanced interrogation practices. Related to this, my first executive order allows open and concealed carry across our great land. As I teach the children in my church, God helps those who help themselves.
5. The only critique I have of my predecessor is that many of the children who were separated from their parents under zero tolerance were deserted when their parents were legally deported. We must have compassion for these poor, innocent children. On the other hand, there are thousands of good Christian families who cannot conceive a child. Adoption solves both issues.
6. It is time we return to morals. My cabinet will not live extravagant lifestyles on the backs of tax-paying Americans. They will not use their good offices to enrich themselves. For them to always place morals at the forefront, I will hold rotating cabinet meetings at different denominational places of worship starting with the Catholic diocese.
7. It is time to look to the future. Our Puritan ancestors declared upon reaching the sacred shores of this Promised Land, that they would make America a shining light to the nations of the world. Today we are making America an actual Garden of Eden  where Eve obeys Adam, as our Founding Fathers intended prior to the ill-conceived 19th Amendment, where women are respected by men. We will respect women with my “Give Women Aprons Again” bill.
8. Because it has been a 50-year failure, sex education will be replaced with abstinence education. Look at me, I have practiced abstinence for years, and now I am President of the United States.
9. Our country will join Iraq, Nicaragua, and Angola who outlaw all abortions. We will defund Planned Parenthood and label it a “domestic terrorist group.”
10. The Bible teaches that when a man lies with a woman who claims that she was unwilling to lie with the man, the man must marry her. Yes, biblical men could attain multiple wives! 😊 I have submitted to Congress a bill to allow an already married man who lies with a woman without her consent, to marry her, up to four wives.  My predecessor has vigorously tweeted support for this bill.

My fellow Americans, I am humbled and honored to lead this great nation and bring the true Word of God to the dark corners of the world,  to extend the hand of friendship to all the nations of the world. God bless you and God bless Christian America.

 

Chris: Folks, ever since a handful of righteous ministers started encouraging God-fearing Christians to carry in church, I’ve been besieged by your questions. As your humble servant who converses with Jesus on a regular basis, I’m here to provide answers. Our lines are open. Hello, Line One, go ahead.

Line One: Hey, Chris, love your show.

Chris: No credit to me. I’m just a humble vessel for Our Lord. What’s your question?

Line One: When I go to church, I’ve got my Bible in one hand, so I can only bring in one weapon with the other. What does Jesus recommend? Pistol or long gun?

Chris: Great question. Jesus recommends the Uzi from the Holy Land. While only slightly larger than a Colt 45, the Uzi can deliver the goods and accuracy of a much larger firearm. The Israelites have put it to great use in their wars to keep the infidels out of our land.

Line One: Thanks, Chris, and God bless America.

Chris: You know, if the apostles had 12 Uzis, the Last Supper might have been quite a different affair. A little desert camo, smoke grenades, and you’ve got Pontius Pilate nailed to the cross rather than Jesus of Nazareth. Hello, you’re on “Chris’ Call-in.”

Line 2: Chris, here’s my question: during silent devotion should I screw on a silencer or just slip on a pair of brass knuckles?

Chris: Light tends to bounce off brass, giving the knuckles a shiny, ostentatious look. Jesus loves humility and is against all forms of showing off. Silencer definitely. Folks, go to my webpage and you can find a link to Savior’s Silencers. Mention me, get a 10% discount, and for the first hundred callers, they’ll throw in a pair of diamond-studded earrings for your little lady. Line 3, go ahead.

Line 3: Is this Chis?

Chris: It most definitely is. And with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?

Line 3: My name’s Roger.

Chris: Hello, Roger, what’s on your mind?

Line 3: Since Jesus is called the Prince of Peace wouldn’t he be against bringing a gun…

Chris: Whoops. Seems like your call dropped. Laughter in background. Folks, I gotta tell you that Jesus has no patience for libtards who expect the government to do everything for them. Jesus does not wipe noses nor behinds and does not help those who will not help themselves. Speaking of helping ourselves: time to dig deep into your pockets and send in your tax deductible gift to “Chris’ Call-in.” Keep us on the air to keep America a righteous, God-fearing, Christian nation. We are a tax exempt 501(c)(3), so you can take your deduction right off the bottom line of your taxes; that is, if you bother filing to Uncle Sam. Ha-ha, just kidding.  Hey Line 4, you’re on.

Line 4: I just want to say how much I love your show.

Chris: Always glad to welcome a satisfied listener. To whom am I speaking?

Line 4: This is Jesus.

Chris: Now that’s a great name. You a Mexican? Background chortle. Just kidding. But seriously, is it ever awkward, you know, like, “This is Jesus”? Chris laughs.

Jesus: I don’t get it.

Chris: It’s because your name and…nevermind…Where you calling from, Jesus? Heaven? Chris snorts as he stifles a giggle.

Jesus: Actually, I’m everywhere. I just want to tell you that you’re understanding of My position on guns is the actual Word.

Chris: You’re everywhere? My understanding of your position? The actual Word? What are you, some sort of psycho with Messiah Complex? Adios, Jesus.  In an aside to his engineer, How come I can’t cut this whack job off?

Jesus: Chris, Father spoke to Abraham before He destroyed the Sodomites, and He addressed Moses from a burning bush. Conversing with you on the radio is easier than turning water to wine; a piece of manna to tell the truth. Good morning, America! You are My most Chosen Nation!

Chris: Listen, Jesus, if you really are Christ, which I’m willing to bet my 401K you’re not, prove it.

Jesus: As soon as you close that Stormy Daniels video on your desktop.

Chris: What? That…that’s research.

Jesus: Shall I reveal that your 401K has $4,348,219 non-reported dollars or should I simply reveal what you are planning on doing tonight with that fleecy, dog collar?

Chris: How did you know about…Oh, sweet Jesus, forgive me, My Lord, for doubting you and…

Jesus: Save it. I’d rather talk guns. I bless your Second Amendment. The Gospels got it wrong. I love guns. I’m the Prince of Peace, but that’s only half of it. I’m the Prince of Peace Through Power.

Chris: So turn the other cheek?

Jesus: What I actually said was, “If anyone hits you on the right cheek, turn the other cheek in order to rest the left side on the gunstock and send him to Hell.”

Chris: Wow! Now that’s the kind of Good News I’m talking about. Listen, Jesus, we’ve got to spread the Word.

Jesus: That’s precisely the reason I’m calling.

Chris: This is great. I can’t believe this. Wow. Hey, since I’ve got you on the line, let me ask you this. Big caliber preference or small? I only ask because most of the pictures show you–well–pretty skinny.

Jesus: Jesus roars with laughter for 30 seconds. Funny, Chris, funny. But seriously, do you not think I can handle a Smith & Wesson 460 Magnum?

Chris: No, I didn’t mean to imply that…

Jesus: I am the Son of God…

Chris: I didn’t mean to say…

Jesus: Do not interrupt, little man whose diminutive Johnson has been a decades long joke around the water cooler.

Chris: That’s…that’s not fair, Jesus.

Jesus: Fair? You who pull the plug on those you disagree with have the audacity to whine “that’s not fair”? Life is power, and Chris, the truth is, talking on the radio is dope. You want fair?  Here’s your fair.

Sound of a  large explosion followed by trumpets blowing the crescendo of “Jesus Christ Superstar.”

Jesus: Good morning, America! This is “Chitchat with Christ.” Line One, go ahead.

August 1

I never believed the NRA cared about kids. But I’m big enough to admit that they and their leader, Wayne LaPierre, not only care, but have the solution to end school shootings. My earlier position on banning assault rifles and tightening gun control was–frankly–naive.  Let’s face it, our schools are soft targets. Anyone who thinks that gun control can stop a whack job from going on an AR-15 rampage has chugged too much liberal Kool-Aid. The only way to protect our students is to harden our schools. The best way to do this is to arm teachers.

August 8

Principal King asked for those with gun experience to volunteer. There are three of us: Coach Marsh, who has three army tours in Iraq under his belt; Miss Hamshire, who shoots AR-15s with her fiance; and me, who won the Boy Scout Marksmanship merit badge. (Each of us gets a $5,000 stipend, but that is irrelevant. My credit card debt is totally manageable.)

August 18

In practice, I hit all 10 targets! It only took 30 shots which was an improvement from last week’s 40.

September 6

The school year has commenced, and I’ve got a gun locked in a case and bullets secured in a lock box. The case is locked with a key, but the bullet box has a combination lock. Who can remember 27…21…4? I stuck a Post-It on the edge of my computer monitor.

Septembr 11

Coach Marsh is out. He went slightly PTSD when he overheard Yasmin Abid’s parents speaking Arabic. Then at Friday’s football game, Miss Hamshire didn’t put her hand over her heart during the national anthem, so now I’m the only Good Teacher with a Gun. It’s an awesome responsibility.

September 15

Only 22 shots to hit 10 targets. Special Agent Achebe said, “If you were playing baseball, you’d be an all-star!”

September 21

The most amazing thing. Alex Gomez is always screwing around making English 9 impossible to teach. Today he interrupted me while I taught semicolons. I stopped the lesson and walked to the gun case dangling the key, my eyes riveted on Alex. The kid went ramrod straight–not a peep the rest of class. Being a Good Teacher with a Gun rocks!

September 2

Principal King told me to keep keys in my pocket. The guy has no sense of humor. Did he think I was going to shoot Alex? I’d only wing him. Joke! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Rush Limbaugh is right: Gun control people have zero sense of humor.

September 30

First live shooter drill. Not my fault I couldn’t get the bullet box open; the Post-It was gone.  I told Achebe, “Don’t yell. It’s the combination. I’m an English teacher, not a mathematician.”

October 8

What if 20 terrorists attack the school? The only way a Good Teacher with an AR-15 can protect his students is with a bumpstock. Because of Vegas, they’re impossible to get. Luckily, woodshop is fashioning me one. (Maybe they’ll start a cottage industry!)

November 17

Today’s drill went better except it’s hard running with an AR-15. It kind of tripped me. I went flying, the gun went flying, and the box of bullets scattered. It was kind of funny, but when you think about it, not so much.

December 12

17 shots to hit 10 targets! I’m practically Chris Kyle.

January 15

“I didn’t have a choice,” I protested to Principal King. “How would you get Alex Gomez to shut up? Everyone knows the gun’s unloaded.” I have to take a conflict management seminar all weekend. I’ve half-a-mind to pay a Friday night visit to King’s house.

March 15 2:15 PM

It was a regular day. The students were reading, and I was grading when over the intercom, Principal King announced, “Active shooter on campus!” I opened the gun cabinet and removed the gun. I was sure I stuck the Post-It in my wallet. I searched behind my Visa, Starbucks, and MoviePass cards. “Where the hell is the combination?” I yelled. Cyndy de Leon said, “You put it in your desk drawer, but we all know it. And then as a chorus, the class recited, “27…21…4!” “Thanks!” I yelled and then, “Lock the Door!” And I was out.

The hall was empty and silent. You’d think there’d be shots or something. But there he was at the door of Room B-222 with his gun out. He had a half-dozen student hostages. His back was to me, and all my training kicked in. It was like everything went into slow motion.  I calmly raised the AR-15, shot a 17-round bumpstock burst, and he crumbled to the ground. I couldn’t 100% celebrate because, unfortunately, I accidently hit two students, Alex Gomez and LaToya Washington. I feel terrible about LaToya and pretty bad about Alex, but I told myself to focus on all the lives I saved.

March 15 2:25 PM

My bad. It was a drill. Apparently, it had been announced at the staff meeting. It is possible I was on chess.com and missed it. Apparently, it was in the morning bulletin as well, but who reads them? Seems like Special Agent Achebe was putting kids he found in the hallway into the nearest classroom. I feel lousy.

March 15 8:38 PM

They set bail at $1,000,000. I used my one call to phone Wayne LaPierre. When I told him who I was, I heard an expletive and the line went dead.

 

Champagne corks popped while Butler opened a Diet Coke for POTUS.

“Lying Media said I would never last!” POTUS exclaimed. “But after a year, I’m just getting started!”

White cake with orange frosting came in on plates. POTUS’ piece was bigger than the others. He was about to joke about how a man is measured by the size of his cake but was interrupted by Energy whining, “My liege, is there no cake for me?”

POTUS, upset his cake joke ruined, turned on Energy, “At the last Cabinet photo opp, you didn’t say anything nice about me.”

“My liege, forgive me, but you sent me to Antarctica 11 months ago in search of solar energy deposits. I returned three hours ago.” Energy shook uncontrollably.

POTUS looked at Chief-of-Staff who nodded. POTUS pushed the button on his desk and Butler appeared. “A piece of cake for Energy and another Coke for me.”

Butler turned to go.

“A half slice.”

Energy bowed in gratitude. The room buzzed about the Solomonic wisdom of POTUS.

POTUS raised his hand; all celebrants hushed.

POTUS removed his M.A.G.A. hat from his head and pointed to the initials. “Less than two years ago, I wanted to Make America Great Again, and after the best first year in office of anyone who has ever been President–and I’m including the heavyweights: Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Nixon–it’s so clear to everybody that America is great again!”

A furious applause erupted.

“From the biggest inauguration (over twice the size of my predecessor); to being the only world leader to understand the Climate Hoax; to telling the truth about Lying Media; to appointing the fairest and most conservative justice the Supreme Court has ever had; to getting rid of corrupt National Monuments, to bringing back coal, to tax reliefing the poor and middle class…”

Treasury sniggered.

“…to having the guts to be the only world leader to stand up to Korea Fat Boy; to giving every American the option to buy health care…”

“And allowing corporations to follow their religious consciousness by giving them the freedom to not provide birth control,” added VP.

“…to bringing the brink of peace to the Middle East (Son-In-Law has helped on this one); and to the Wall of America which I am building right now and even though they say they aren’t, Mexico is paying for every peso of it.  Because of these and all of my many, many other accomplishments due to my genius, I no longer need to Make America Great Again because America is now not only great but amazing!”

Hoots, huzzahs, and fist pumps filled the Oval Office.

POTUS touched his right nostril with his index finger; HUD rushed over to hand him a silk handkerchief; POTUS loudly cleared his nose and returned the handkerchief; HUD folded and carefully placed it back into his breast pocket.

POTUS held out the M.A.G.A. hat, and Chief-of-Staff swapped it with a different red hat. This one had orange flames on the side. Stitched on the front was K.A.O.S.

“Since America is Great Again, it is time to dedicate my presidency to…Keep America Overpoweringly Strong. KAOS.”

POTUS lifted his Coke. “Gentlemen…”

Daughter coughed into her hand.

“And girls…” POTUS added.

Education timidly raised her hand. “My Lord, may I approach.”

“Approach.”

Education felt the hard stares of 19 men and two girls on her. She felt as if an army of mercenaries was launching an assault in her stomach, yet she had to testify for Truth. “If it so please My Lord, may I raise a concern? ‘Kaos’ is a word that means disorder and confusion. If KAOS is stitched on hats, Lying Media may take issue and sick Democrats might use it against us. Perhaps…” Education finished in a cringing, questioning whisper, “…a different acronym?”

POTUS’ orange-tinged skin deepened into crimson. Smoke emanated from his right ear, pus from his left. Surgeon General quickly appeared on his side with a pill vial in one hand and a defibrillator in the other.

Defense spoke. “Education, the word you’re thinking of is spelled c…h…a…o…s. POTUS’ word is k…a…o…s.”

“Oh,” said Education.

Defense continued. “By spelling it this way, he is making an overpoweringly ironic statement.”

“Of course. I understand. I get irony.” Education bowed. “Forgive my stupidity, My Lord.”

“Forgiven,” and POTUS made the sign of the “T” over the prostrate Education.

Attorney General trumpeted, “Let us raise our glasses to the glorious crusade of POTUS’ second year: Keep America Overpoweringly Strong!”

“Wait!” POTUS frantically pressed the buzzer, and Butler appeared with a third Coke.

POTUS raised his can. “To a year of KAOS!”

“To KAOS!” the nation’s most powerful men and girls replied.

Butler fainted.

 

“Take Joseph and Mary. Mary was a teenager and Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of Jesus. There’s just nothing immoral or illegal here. Maybe just a little bit unusual.”

-Alabama State Auditor Jim Zeigler about a U.S. Senate candidate who dated underage girls.

Dear Jim,

I’m in the 4th grade at St. Mark’s Elementary. There’s this 6th grader who’s the biggest bully in school.  He picks on everybody. I want to stand up to him, but he’s too big. What should I do?

Signed,

Wanna be a Hero Dave

 

Dear David,

Did you know that you are named after the greatest Israel king, King David? Before God made him King, he was in the exact same situation as you. A big bully named Goliath was beating up a lot of Children of Israel. David was a young shepherd and knew how to use a sling to keep away lions. Everyone else was afraid to face Goliath, but not David. Even though he was much smaller, David stood up to Goliath and flung a rock at that bully, and Goliath stopped bullying forever, and I mean forever. Know what I mean?  

My advice is learn to use a sling. Practice everyday until you can knock a Coke can from a fence at 50-feet. Then stand up to that bully. They usually back down when you stand up to them. But if he doesn’t, sling a rock; aim for the forehead. That’ll stop him. A little unusual I admit but nothing immoral, and if your state has a “Stand Your Ground” law, it’s not illegal. Good luck!

Your friend,

Jim

 

Dear Jim,

I’m a happily married, religious man, but I saw this total hottie, and–what can I say–I want her in the biblical sense. As far as I can tell, the only way is to become a Mormon and marry her. I’d be down with that, but Mormons can’t drink, and I like my evening sixer of Coors Lite.  What should I do? Oh, and she’s married.

Signed,

Perplexed

 

Dear Perplexed,

Unfortunately, neither Christians nor Mormons do polygamy anymore, so the answer to your troubles is to move to Saudi Arabia and become a Muslim. Our Muslims brothers rock.

Ha-ha! That was a joke. But, really, you don’t need to worry, for Jim has a solution. Do you know who else was happily married and saw a beautiful married woman whom he wanted to know in the biblical sense? Give up? King David! He saw Bathsheba sunbathing on her roof, but they both were married. However, this was true love at first sight. I am sure it’s the same with you, so feel free to get “to know” your Bathsheba just like David did. No need to divorce your great and understanding wife. My only caution is be on the safe side and arrange an “accident” for your new love’s husband.  Perhaps a tad bit unusual, but God is Love, and true love, like yours, trumps any miniscule whiff of immorality here.

Good luck,

Jim

P.S. If you’re getting exotic with the women, may I suggest getting exotic with your beer as well? Try Corona Light. (Don’t worry it’s owned by Anheuser-Busch not Mexico.)

 

Dear Jim,

My son’s a bum. Doesn’t go to school and quit his job at Burger King. He sits in the pigsty he calls his room, plays “Call of Duty,” and microwaves Hot Pockets at two in the morning. I’m at the end of my rope. I’m ready to throw him out. What do you think?

Signed,

Exasperated

 

Dear Exasperated,

Parenting is the most important and most difficult job in the world. You know that, I know that, and God knows that. Patience and love is what we need to show our children and help them through their difficult stages. Growing up in today’s world is especially difficult given the moral corruption of our godless society. My suggestion is to play some “Call of Duty” with him and get him to open up to you. If that doesn’t work, take him to talk with your minister. The most important thing is to never give up on him. God never gave up on the Prodigal Son; hence, you must not give up either.

Yours in good faith,

Jim

 

Dear Jim,

Exasperated again. I forgot to mention that my son’s an atheist.

Signed,

Exasperated

 

Dear Exasperated,

Deuteronomy 21:18-21 is quite explicit about your rebellious son. You must take him to the gates of your city and proclaim, “This son of mine is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey me. He is a glutton and a drunkard.” Then stone him to death. There is nothing immoral about ridding evil from our midst, though stoning is a bit unusual and perhaps illegal in the blue states. If you live in one, take him to see ‘Bama play at home. You’ll be good there.

Hope you find this helpful.

Your friend JIm

 

Dear Jim,

My son is a homosexual. My wife tells me I should accept him as he is and give him unconditional love. I don’t know. Maybe she’s right. He’s our only child and to disown him seems kind of harsh. What do you think?

Confused Dad

 

Dear Confused Dad,

You obviously have strong paternal feelings for your only child. And that is why when you Leviticus 20:13 him, use a big rock in order to prevent cruel and unusual suffering. If your wife is too old to bear another child, divorce her and “know” someone younger. It is completely moral and not even unusual to find a new, more often than not, younger wife when the older one no longer pleases you.

It’s all good.

Peace,

Jim

 

Dear Jim,

I’ve been a loyal reader for years, but may I be so bold as to take slight issue with your advice to Confused Dad. King David, Israel’s greatest king, never used the word “love” when addressing any of his wives or Bathsheba or any of the scores of women he knew in the biblical sense. The only person he said he loved was Jonathan. Check it out. (2 Samuel 1:26). It seems that David was a switch-hitter, so I guess what I’m saying is that gays should not be stoned. Bullied, sure. Shunned, definitely. But not stoned.

May the Light of God continue to shine on you,

Your Faithful Reader

 

Dear Unfaithful Reader,

Don’t talk to me about King David. Do you think you can learn me something about the Bible? I double majored in accounting and Bible! The Pope calls me at least once a month when he has a tough Bible question, and I’m telling you King David was a right-handed power hitter, not a switch hitter, definitely not a switch hitter.

I hate your fucking guts,

Jim