Brett’s Guide to Beer

Ego similis cervisia.

– Descartes

My philosophy of life can be boiled down to Four Core values: God, Family, Country, and Beer. Some may think this is an exaggerated claim, but do not judge without evidence. Take the fact that when this great country began, cholera infested the water, so beer was the Founding Fathers’ drink of choice. If these great patriots were alive today, they would be amazed and stoked at how our national drink has evolved. The goal of this abbreviated guide is to help Americans render the verdict: I like beer.

Lager: No malted beverage speaks to high schoolers more than our American lagers. The lager is the beer most drinkers start with. Obviously, one should be the drinking age, but even if you aren’t, the lager, with its crisp and clean taste and an alcohol content less than 5%, is harmless to the developing adolescent brain. Once you quickly develop the taste for a Bud, you’ll find that a six-pack is the way to spend hot summer afternoons prior to attending house parties. In addition, its smooth coldness massages the throat while eating chips dipped in a habanero-based salsa. And when a bro brings by a fifth of Jack Daniels, the lager sweeps away the after shot harshness.

Pilsner: Light like a lager, but slightly more bitter and a tad more alcoholic. I recommend standing by the pils keg at the start of a party because it allows introverts to be more social. I’m kind of shy and sensitive, a bookworm if you want to know the truth. But after ten plastic red cups, I’m like Don Juan or Casanova when it comes to shooting the bull with the weaker sex.

Indian Pale Ale (IPA): The American beer explosion began with this hoppy happiness. Besides its refreshing bitterness, it gets you where you want to go fast. Some of the double IPAs come in at nearly 9%! Woo-hoo! After a hard day of classes, football, studying, four pints is all you need to unwind and chill.

Pale Ale: Hoppy like an IPA but less alcohol. Some people say it’s a beer only good to get girls drunk, but that isn’t the full story. I’ve nursed many a hangover with a pale ale and raw egg before going to the gym to sweat out the party from the night before.

Stout: This is your dark beer. It originates from England and Ireland. They love this thick, sweet beer and so will you. It’s got plenty of nutrients and can be substituted for food if you are in a hurry to get to a party. I lived on stout and ramen during my freshman year at Yale when I was finding my passion for partisan politics and didn’t have time to cook.

Trappist Ale: Because they’re close to God, monks know how to make the best of all brews. To describe the taste of the Trappist is impossible, like trying to describe love; let’s just say that if a hot girl is eye-candy, Trappist ale is taste bud-candy. And regarding alcohol, those Trappists are serious. Bottom line, I love IPAs, but they need to get out of the way for their big brother Trappists. After 8 bottles of these puppies, I get KRAZY and can’t remember a damn thing! That is my kind of party!

Wheat beer: Light in taste and alcohol. Kind of fruity; seems pretty gay to me. I never touch the stuff.

Sour: Fruity, sour, tart, expensive. They are good for one thing only. If you are ever called on to testify about anything, and you want to pucker up your lips to make your face look disgusted with the whole process while adding a shot of personal animus as a closing statement, chug two sours before swearing under oath.

As you can see, beer is varied and wonderful. If you are like me and want to ascend society’s ladder, knowing your beers and your tolerance is imperative. You definitely don’t want to look like a dweeb when you’re golfing with a potential boss by ordering a stout when it’s 90-degrees on the back nine. And you definitely do not want to go to a party and get so plastered that you pass out on the toilet or wake up wearing a bra or discovering your entire face has been blackened out with a Sharpie. Obviously, none of these happened to me.

Speaking of jobs, many good paying and prestigious employment opportunities allow for a bit of drinking at lunch or when entertaining clients. But the best job of all for someone who likes beer is to be a justice of the Supreme Court. Why? Do you have any idea how many beers can fit under those robes?

So pop open a bottle and enjoy a brew…or eight!