Working Draft of President Pence’s First Address to the Nation

My Fellow Americans,

I am deeply honored to stand before you. I did not plan on addressing you from the White House until January 20, 2025, but God bestowed his grace on his humble servant and extraordinary circumstances have brought me here today. I want to assure you that we will continue the sound policies set forth by the Fornicator in Chief, my esteemed predecessor in Making America Great Again. It was my fervent wish that he be here today. Unfortunately, he is locked into another engagement.

Some may say that my religious beliefs are too strong. While it is true that I am a Christian, a conservative, a Republican, and your President, in that order, I am also a modern man. Yes, the Bible guides me, but so do other books. The Handmaid’s Tale with its utopian vision is something that I will tirelessly work toward as your President. After consulting with God, I humbly offer the following Ten Commandments Commitments which will guide my presidency.

  1. In foreign affairs, we will force China to play fair on trade, stop Mexico from exporting its bad people to us, and slap Russia’s interfering hands. To this end, I will convene a Blue Ribbon panel. They will begin work as soon as we convert gay Americans into good Americans. After a three-month conversion program, those who remain rebellious will not only be dishonorably discharged from the military and all governmental jobs, but we will Leviticus 20:13 them.
  2. Good Americans have not been able to exercise their religious beliefs. However, in a praiseworthy decision, the Supreme Court upheld the First Amendment right of a Colorado baker to not bake a wedding cake for the LGBTQ lobby. Americans will soon be able to exercise their God-given First Amendment rights to not serve Adam and Steve couples at restaurants, to cease stocking condoms at pharmacies, and to grant car rental companies permission to offer vehicles only to men. Americans will no longer be discriminated against. I have already sent this bill to Congress along with a separate bill banning the wearing of hijabs and burqas.
  3. We will rollback coal emission standards because God put coal in the ground for human use. He did not create wind turbines and solar cells. It it is time to get back to basic energy values. Related are the so-called fuel efficiency standards. Not only will we roll these back, but we will tax cars that get over 25 mpg in order to create more petroleum jobs as well. If God Almighty desires to warm the world, we must use more sunscreen.
  4. To protect our students, all teachers will carry guns. This summer, teachers must attend basic training where they will learn firearms expertise, hand-to-hand combat, and enhanced interrogation practices. Related to this, my first executive order allows open and concealed carry across our great land. As I teach the children in my church, God helps those who help themselves.
  5. The only critique I have of my predecessor is that many of the children who were separated from their parents under zero tolerance were deserted when their parents were legally deported. We must have compassion for these poor, innocent children. On the other hand, there are thousands of good Christian families who cannot conceive a child. Adoption solves both issues.
  6. It is time we return to morals. My cabinet will not live extravagant lifestyles on the backs of tax-paying Americans. They will not use their good offices to enrich themselves. For them to always place morals at the forefront, I will hold rotating cabinet meetings at different denominational places of worship starting with the Catholic diocese.
  7. It is time to look to the future. Our Puritan ancestors declared upon reaching the sacred shores of this Promised Land, that they would make America a shining light to the nations of the world. Today we are making America an actual Garden of Eden  where Eve obeys Adam, as our Founding Fathers intended prior to the ill-conceived 19th Amendment, where women are respected by men. We will respect women with my “Give Women Aprons Again” bill.
  8. Because it has been a 50-year failure, sex education will be replaced with abstinence education. Look at me, I have practiced abstinence for years, and now I am President of the United States.
  9. Our country will join Iraq, Nicaragua, and Angola who outlaw all abortions. We will defund Planned Parenthood and label it a “domestic terrorist group.”
  10. The Bible teaches that when a man lies with a woman who claims that she was unwilling to lie with the man, the man must marry her. Yes, biblical men could attain multiple wives! 😊 I have submitted to Congress a bill to allow an already married man who lies with a woman without her consent, to marry her, up to four wives.  My predecessor has vigorously tweeted support for this bill.

My fellow Americans, I am humbled and honored to lead this great nation and bring the true Word of God to the dark corners of the world,  to extend the hand of friendship to all the nations of the world. God bless you and God bless Christian America.

 

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