What Would Jesus Carry

Chris: Folks, ever since a handful of righteous ministers started encouraging God-fearing Christians to carry in church, I’ve been besieged by your questions. As your humble servant who converses with Jesus on a regular basis, I’m here to provide answers. Our lines are open. Hello, Line One, go ahead.

Line One: Hey, Chris, love your show.

Chris: No credit to me. I’m just a humble vessel for Our Lord. What’s your question?

Line One: When I go to church, I’ve got my Bible in one hand, so I can only bring in one weapon with the other. What does Jesus recommend? Pistol or long gun?

Chris: Great question. Jesus recommends the Uzi from the Holy Land. While only slightly larger than a Colt 45, the Uzi can deliver the goods and accuracy of a much larger firearm. The Israelites have put it to great use in their wars to keep the infidels out of our land.

Line One: Thanks, Chris, and God bless America.

Chris: You know, if the apostles had 12 Uzis, the Last Supper might have been quite a different affair. A little desert camo, smoke grenades, and you’ve got Pontius Pilate nailed to the cross rather than Jesus of Nazareth. Hello, you’re on “Chris’ Call-in.”

Line 2: Chris, here’s my question: during silent devotion should I screw on a silencer or just slip on a pair of brass knuckles?

Chris: Light tends to bounce off brass, giving the knuckles a shiny, ostentatious look. Jesus loves humility and is against all forms of showing off. Silencer definitely. Folks, go to my webpage and you can find a link to Savior’s Silencers. Mention me, get a 10% discount, and for the first hundred callers, they’ll throw in a pair of diamond-studded earrings for your little lady. Line 3, go ahead.

Line 3: Is this Chis?

Chris: It most definitely is. And with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?

Line 3: My name’s Roger.

Chris: Hello, Roger, what’s on your mind?

Line 3: Since Jesus is called the Prince of Peace wouldn’t he be against bringing a gun…

Chris: Whoops. Seems like your call dropped. Laughter in background. Folks, I gotta tell you that Jesus has no patience for libtards who expect the government to do everything for them. Jesus does not wipe noses nor behinds and does not help those who will not help themselves. Speaking of helping ourselves: time to dig deep into your pockets and send in your tax deductible gift to “Chris’ Call-in.” Keep us on the air to keep America a righteous, God-fearing, Christian nation. We are a tax exempt 501(c)(3), so you can take your deduction right off the bottom line of your taxes; that is, if you bother filing to Uncle Sam. Ha-ha, just kidding.  Hey Line 4, you’re on.

Line 4: I just want to say how much I love your show.

Chris: Always glad to welcome a satisfied listener. To whom am I speaking?

Line 4: This is Jesus.

Chris: Now that’s a great name. You a Mexican? Background chortle. Just kidding. But seriously, is it ever awkward, you know, like, “This is Jesus”? Chris laughs.

Jesus: I don’t get it.

Chris: It’s because your name and…nevermind…Where you calling from, Jesus? Heaven? Chris snorts as he stifles a giggle.

Jesus: Actually, I’m everywhere. I just want to tell you that you’re understanding of My position on guns is the actual Word.

Chris: You’re everywhere? My understanding of your position? The actual Word? What are you, some sort of psycho with Messiah Complex? Adios, Jesus.  In an aside to his engineer, How come I can’t cut this whack job off?

Jesus: Chris, Father spoke to Abraham before He destroyed the Sodomites, and He addressed Moses from a burning bush. Conversing with you on the radio is easier than turning water to wine; a piece of manna to tell the truth. Good morning, America! You are My most Chosen Nation!

Chris: Listen, Jesus, if you really are Christ, which I’m willing to bet my 401K you’re not, prove it.

Jesus: As soon as you close that Stormy Daniels video on your desktop.

Chris: What? That…that’s research.

Jesus: Shall I reveal that your 401K has $4,348,219 non-reported dollars or should I simply reveal what you are planning on doing tonight with that fleecy, dog collar?

Chris: How did you know about…Oh, sweet Jesus, forgive me, My Lord, for doubting you and…

Jesus: Save it. I’d rather talk guns. I bless your Second Amendment. The Gospels got it wrong. I love guns. I’m the Prince of Peace, but that’s only half of it. I’m the Prince of Peace Through Power.

Chris: So turn the other cheek?

Jesus: What I actually said was, “If anyone hits you on the right cheek, turn the other cheek in order to rest the left side on the gunstock and send him to Hell.”

Chris: Wow! Now that’s the kind of Good News I’m talking about. Listen, Jesus, we’ve got to spread the Word.

Jesus: That’s precisely the reason I’m calling.

Chris: This is great. I can’t believe this. Wow. Hey, since I’ve got you on the line, let me ask you this. Big caliber preference or small? I only ask because most of the pictures show you–well–pretty skinny.

Jesus: Jesus roars with laughter for 30 seconds. Funny, Chris, funny. But seriously, do you not think I can handle a Smith & Wesson 460 Magnum?

Chris: No, I didn’t mean to imply that…

Jesus: I am the Son of God…

Chris: I didn’t mean to say…

Jesus: Do not interrupt, little man whose diminutive Johnson has been a decades long joke around the water cooler.

Chris: That’s…that’s not fair, Jesus.

Jesus: Fair? You who pull the plug on those you disagree with have the audacity to whine “that’s not fair”? Life is power, and Chris, the truth is, talking on the radio is dope. You want fair?  Here’s your fair.

Sound of a  large explosion followed by trumpets blowing the crescendo of “Jesus Christ Superstar.”

Jesus: Good morning, America! This is “Chitchat with Christ.” Line One, go ahead.

3 thoughts on “What Would Jesus Carry

  1. Another LOL, Matt. Thanks! I know there is an amazing amount of subject matter for you to choose from when you are in the mood to write. I bet you could spin an interesting tale, or perhaps dialogue, about all the London Emergency Rooms that are awash in blood from KNIFE attacks? (As POTUS carried on about at the NRA conference… guns are WAY better than knives?????) Happy almost end of the school year!


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