“Take Joseph and Mary. Mary was a teenager and Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of Jesus. There’s just nothing immoral or illegal here. Maybe just a little bit unusual.”

-Alabama State Auditor Jim Zeigler about a U.S. Senate candidate who dated underage girls.

Dear Jim,

I’m in the 4th grade at St. Mark’s Elementary. There’s this 6th grader who’s the biggest bully in school.  He picks on everybody. I want to stand up to him, but he’s too big. What should I do?

Signed,

Wanna be a Hero Dave

 

Dear David,

Did you know that you are named after the greatest Israel king, King David? Before God made him King, he was in the exact same situation as you. A big bully named Goliath was beating up a lot of Children of Israel. David was a young shepherd and knew how to use a sling to keep away lions. Everyone else was afraid to face Goliath, but not David. Even though he was much smaller, David stood up to Goliath and flung a rock at that bully, and Goliath stopped bullying forever, and I mean forever. Know what I mean?  

My advice is learn to use a sling. Practice everyday until you can knock a Coke can from a fence at 50-feet. Then stand up to that bully. They usually back down when you stand up to them. But if he doesn’t, sling a rock; aim for the forehead. That’ll stop him. A little unusual I admit but nothing immoral, and if your state has a “Stand Your Ground” law, it’s not illegal. Good luck!

Your friend,

Jim

 

Dear Jim,

I’m a happily married, religious man, but I saw this total hottie, and–what can I say–I want her in the biblical sense. As far as I can tell, the only way is to become a Mormon and marry her. I’d be down with that, but Mormons can’t drink, and I like my evening sixer of Coors Lite.  What should I do? Oh, and she’s married.

Signed,

Perplexed

 

Dear Perplexed,

Unfortunately, neither Christians nor Mormons do polygamy anymore, so the answer to your troubles is to move to Saudi Arabia and become a Muslim. Our Muslims brothers rock.

Ha-ha! That was a joke. But, really, you don’t need to worry, for Jim has a solution. Do you know who else was happily married and saw a beautiful married woman whom he wanted to know in the biblical sense? Give up? King David! He saw Bathsheba sunbathing on her roof, but they both were married. However, this was true love at first sight. I am sure it’s the same with you, so feel free to get “to know” your Bathsheba just like David did. No need to divorce your great and understanding wife. My only caution is be on the safe side and arrange an “accident” for your new love’s husband.  Perhaps a tad bit unusual, but God is Love, and true love, like yours, trumps any miniscule whiff of immorality here.

Good luck,

Jim

P.S. If you’re getting exotic with the women, may I suggest getting exotic with your beer as well? Try Corona Light. (Don’t worry it’s owned by Anheuser-Busch not Mexico.)

 

Dear Jim,

My son’s a bum. Doesn’t go to school and quit his job at Burger King. He sits in the pigsty he calls his room, plays “Call of Duty,” and microwaves Hot Pockets at two in the morning. I’m at the end of my rope. I’m ready to throw him out. What do you think?

Signed,

Exasperated

 

Dear Exasperated,

Parenting is the most important and most difficult job in the world. You know that, I know that, and God knows that. Patience and love is what we need to show our children and help them through their difficult stages. Growing up in today’s world is especially difficult given the moral corruption of our godless society. My suggestion is to play some “Call of Duty” with him and get him to open up to you. If that doesn’t work, take him to talk with your minister. The most important thing is to never give up on him. God never gave up on the Prodigal Son; hence, you must not give up either.

Yours in good faith,

Jim

 

Dear Jim,

Exasperated again. I forgot to mention that my son’s an atheist.

Signed,

Exasperated

 

Dear Exasperated,

Deuteronomy 21:18-21 is quite explicit about your rebellious son. You must take him to the gates of your city and proclaim, “This son of mine is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey me. He is a glutton and a drunkard.” Then stone him to death. There is nothing immoral about ridding evil from our midst, though stoning is a bit unusual and perhaps illegal in the blue states. If you live in one, take him to see ‘Bama play at home. You’ll be good there.

Hope you find this helpful.

Your friend JIm

 

Dear Jim,

My son is a homosexual. My wife tells me I should accept him as he is and give him unconditional love. I don’t know. Maybe she’s right. He’s our only child and to disown him seems kind of harsh. What do you think?

Confused Dad

 

Dear Confused Dad,

You obviously have strong paternal feelings for your only child. And that is why when you Leviticus 20:13 him, use a big rock in order to prevent cruel and unusual suffering. If your wife is too old to bear another child, divorce her and “know” someone younger. It is completely moral and not even unusual to find a new, more often than not, younger wife when the older one no longer pleases you.

It’s all good.

Peace,

Jim

 

Dear Jim,

I’ve been a loyal reader for years, but may I be so bold as to take slight issue with your advice to Confused Dad. King David, Israel’s greatest king, never used the word “love” when addressing any of his wives or Bathsheba or any of the scores of women he knew in the biblical sense. The only person he said he loved was Jonathan. Check it out. (2 Samuel 1:26). It seems that David was a switch-hitter, so I guess what I’m saying is that gays should not be stoned. Bullied, sure. Shunned, definitely. But not stoned.

May the Light of God continue to shine on you,

Your Faithful Reader

 

Dear Unfaithful Reader,

Don’t talk to me about King David. Do you think you can learn me something about the Bible? I double majored in accounting and Bible! The Pope calls me at least once a month when he has a tough Bible question, and I’m telling you King David was a right-handed power hitter, not a switch hitter, definitely not a switch hitter.

I hate your fucking guts,

Jim