All I Really Needed to Know, I Learned in Military Boarding School

Famous people from all over ask me where I got my philosophy on life, my moral code. Even though I went to the world’s best business school and knew much more about business than my professors—who frankly couldn’t make it in the real world—the truth is that all I really needed to know to become the greatest and most powerful man on earth, I learned in military boarding school.

This is what I learned.

Discipline. Greatness begins with self-discipline, self-control. I came to boarding school with zero discipline. But I learned. No matter how much I wanted to pound some dweeb for borrowing my Brylcreem and squeezing it from the middle, I never did. By the time I graduated, I was a master of self-discipline. Folks, the beauty of it is that if you are disciplined, then your inferiors will be too. My cabinet is the most controlled in the history of our country.  When they’re not, I use the same paddle that I disciplined underclassmen with. It’s got holes for less wind resistance. Perry gets it once a week, minimum.

Justice. If someone hits you, hit him back three times harder. I never started a fight in my life. I am a peaceful person. Perhaps the most peaceful person in the world, if you want to know the truth. But when you’re standing at parade rest, what are you supposed to do when some loser talks smack about your hands? You hit him until he bleeds all over his white parade gloves. Same with Taco Land. If they don’t pay for the Wall, we hit them with 20% tax on their exports. If China thinks they can bully us by stealing our jobs and dumping cheap goods, we’re going to hit them with a 45% tariff.  No one will ever mess with America again.

Service. It is so important to serve those that are less important than you. Give them your time. Give them your money. Give them your empathy. This was a tough one for me. I learned it when this very developed girl at the local girls’ school had a huge crush on me. Huge. (All of them did.) She was too poor to buy textbooks, so I gave her the money—not a string attached. That, my friends, is service. And even though she insisted that I not do a different “service,” I did. Good service means giving more than you promise.

Honesty. Do not lie. Lying makes you a terrible person. The dishonest media tells you I lie. Wrong. I never lie. However, in extraordinary situations, it is honorable to give alternate facts as long as the point being made is truthful and no one of consequence gets hurt. When I went a little AWOL, I gave an alternative fact to the commanding dormitory officer which pointed to a very unpopular nerd. It is also honorable to destroy a person if he is a really bad dude who will harm your school or nation. Pat Haman ran for Class President. He was son of a senator and captain of the debate team and the football team, so everyone thought he’d win. But he was a bad dude, very dishonest, and someone needed to stop him. It was up to me. In the debate, I said he tried to hold my hand. After I trounced him, he transferred schools.

Respect. Respect everyone. Respect your parents, respect your classmates, and respect your teachers. Even respect your enemies because if you do, they can never surprise you, and you’ll always win. Pat didn’t respect me, and in the 2016 election, not a single opponent, not a single media respected me, so I mercilessly destroyed them. Maybe Lying Ted should think about transferring back to Canada where he’s from. Here’s what Jesus taught me in the school chapel, “Do unto others before they do unto you.”

Comradeship. Folks, you can’t go it alone. You need friends and comrades to help you. Without Leon Pruzinsky, I wouldn’t have made it through history class. It was the most boring class I ever slept in. Didn’t learn a thing. Leon “borrowed” the final and gave it to me. Now I have Vlad. He helped me during the election, and I’ll lend a hand when he reunifies Belarus back to Russia where it rightfully belongs. In your life, there will be many, many jealous losers and haters who will want to take you down. Everyone needs a Leon or a Vlad to watch his back.

Fairness. Truth is, this is the single cadet trait that’s misguided. Forget about playing fair and being nice and giving good effort. Only losers play fair. Be a winner. Because if you lose, no one cares if you played fair. People only remember winners; winning is the only thing that matters. Break the rules. Make your own. Ryan Dowling was starting centerfielder. I was so, so much better than him, but he had insider connections, so I gave the pitcher from Carter High 20 bucks to throw one at his head. Once I took Ryan’s place, our team was amazing. We won everything. Just like America used to do against King George, the Indians, and Mexico. With me as Commander-in-Chief, we’re already winning again!

Tidbits Picked Up in the Locker Room

Never apologize. Winners are never sorry.

If you hire a nerd to do your homework, don’t pay him the agreed upon amount. They all take pennies on the dollar. If not sock him. Same with scientists.

Live a balanced life – insult some and chase some and buy and sell and bully every day some.

And finally, when you boil down everything that I learned at boarding school into one thing that has shaped my moral code throughout my life, you get the touchstone that I return to whenever I face an ethical dilemma: Remember the Golden Rule—whoever has the most gold, makes the rules.


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